Ray St. Louis
3/5/09
BETWEEN THE LINES
America is turning socialist.
President Obama “wants to establish a very powerful socialist government,” according to Rush Limbaugh.
Newt Gingrich says America is experiencing “European socialism transplanted to Washington.”
Mike Huckabee declares, “Lenin and Stalin would love this stuff.”
Even Newsweek, on its February 16 cover, announced “We are all socialists now.”
My initial reaction to this news was “Wow, that was easy!”
Who would have thought the overthrow of the capitalist system and its replacement with a socialist workers’
paradise could be accomplished simply by electing a Democrat as president?
Well, I suppose it wasn’t quite that simple. It also required the increasingly apocalyptical collapse of the world
economy as a result of three decades of deregulated Free Market Capitalism.
Plus, the Democratic president, after being elected, has to try and do something big to stop the collapse. Something
on the level of FDR’s New Deal.
But no marches, no manning the barricades, no facing off against riot cops and getting pummeled by nightsticks
and rubber bullets. Just a little Democratic Party electoral success coinciding with the onset of a monster recession.
Piece of cake.
Well, now that we are all socialists, I’d like to offer a few pointers.
As a homespun liberal moral-relativist newspaper columnist with well-known commie-pinko tendencies, I feel I might
know a few things about how to function in this brave new world of American socialism.
The following is meant especially for my conservative Republican biker friends – or should I say, conservative
Republican biker comrades – down at the Alachua Sports Pub. Some of you, it occurs to me, might need a little
extra help adjusting to life within the new socialist system.
Tip #1 – Become better acquainted with the notion of “sharing the wealth.”
Now relax. That doesn’t mean you’re going to have to give away your Harley or pickup truck.
Start small. Tip your waitress and bartender. If you already tip your waitress and bartender, tip them more. Instead
of handing over a dollar when he or she brings you a pitcher of beer, give them two.
Get used to sharing in small ways, comrade, then work your way up – food, cases of beer, your guns. Become one
with the socialist ideal of redistributing wealth!
Then give away your Harley or pickup truck.
Tip #2 – Learn the lingo.
You may have noticed that I have been periodically addressing you, the reader, as “comrade.” This is the official
form of greeting in socialist societies. Both males and females may be addressed as one’s comrades.
I realize calling your friends “comrade” might take some getting used to, but with a little effort it will come naturally.
Start by practicing on your friends at the bar or at your next ABATE meeting. Here’s a sample:
“Hey, how’s it going, comrade Headbanger?”
“Just fine, how goes it with you, comrade Maggot?”
Also, start working the word “solidarity” into your everyday speech. The term works best when shouted as a rallying
cry accompanied by an upraised clenched fist.
Other words and phrases you might want to begin using in conversation would include some of the sixties’ New Left
standbys such as “Right on,” and “Power to the people!”
Tip #3 – Start wearing more red.
I’m sorry, comrades, but basic biker black just doesn’t cut it in the new socialist society. Red is where it’s at. Start by
adding accessories: red armbands, red headbands, red chaps. Imagine the jealous looks you’ll get when you’re the
first to show up at the sports pub with a red leather jacket!
Tip #4 – Start coming to the meetings.
Of course, finding the meetings might be the hardest part. Contrary to what you may think, there are not a whole lot
of socialist organizations still functioning in 21st-century America.
Look for notices on bulletin boards in bookstores and coffeehouses around college campuses. Once you do find
the meeting, you can begin hanging out with your fellow socialists.
Also, at the meeting you can sign up and get your card. Once you’re card-carrying, you’re official.
Welcome to the new socialist workers’ paradise, comrade.