BETWEEN THE LINES
I’m going to miss John McCain. In fact, I’m going to miss this entire election campaign.
It has been such a part of me, of all of us, for so long. I am wondering what I will do with myself when November
5th rolls around.
I suppose I could go back to what I used to do. You know, having a life.
But I’m afraid simply having a life will feel empty, roughly akin to post-partum depression (I imagine). I’m afraid I’m
going to feel a big yawning hole in my world. I’m afraid I’m going to have to face THE VOID.
What will life be without the daily barrage of McCain’s increasingly hysterical attacks? Where will I get my daily
dose of existential absurdity without some fresh, over-the-top Republican silliness accusing Obama of “palling
around with terrorists,” or sympathizing with terrorists, or being a terrorist? Or being a Muslim? Or being a
socialist?
How will I get my juices flowing without the foil of nonstop McCain attacks on Obama’s patriotism, his readiness, his
Commander-in-Chief credentials? Is he American enough, black enough, white enough, in touch with everyday
Americans enough?
I will not miss the so-called Straight Talk Express. That symbol of John McCain’s principled maverick-ness is long
departed. It started dying when he decided to go all Karl Rove on his opponent, unleashing the same brand of
dirty politics that derailed his own 2000 primary campaign against George W. Bush. It died completely when he
chose his thoroughly unqualified running mate for political reasons.
So much for “country first.”
No, it’s the little things I will miss most about John McCain: the way he grinds his teeth in barely-controlled rage
(which is how he ended up with those massive jowls); his nervous prowling all over the debate stage like a caged
animal when it was Obama’s turn to speak; his constant use of the phrase “my friends.”
I will miss these and a hundred other little traits about John McCain because I fully expect his political aspirations
to be over after November 4th. A politician doesn’t bounce back from the trouncing John McCain is about to
experience. Just ask Bob Dole, or Michael Dukakis, or George McGovern.
I will miss the many colorful characters this campaign has unearthed and awarded their respective fifteen minutes:
Rev. (God damn America) Wright, Bill (I was-making bombs when Obama was eight) Ayers, John (Catholic Church
is the Great Whore) Hagee.
I will miss all the Joes – Joe Sixpack, Joe the Plumber, Joe Lieberman. Okay, I won’t miss Joe Lieberman. The
Republicans can have that turncoat. With any luck, Democrats won’t need of his tie-breaking vote any longer
anyway.
And doggone it, gosh darn it, you betcha, golly geewillikkers, I will miss the moose-hunting hockey mom from
Alaska.
From her claims of foreign policy experience (“I can see Russia from my house”) to her knowledge of how our
government works (the VP is “in charge of the Senate”), Sarah Palin has single-handedly revived the art of
political satire. Saturday Night Live thanks her. Tina Fey thanks her. Dan Quayle thanks her.
Soon, she’ll be leaving the national stage. Perhaps she’ll get back to us on the Bush Doctrine and that list of
newspapers and magazines she likes to read.
Yes, a whole slew of colorful and kooky characters are about to slip down the memory hole. Perhaps some of
them will reappear in future episodes of the American political soap opera, but my guess is most will not. We won’t
have Joe the Plumber to kick around anymore.
Finally, I will miss the routine. Long presidential elections have a way of becoming a habit, like a drug addiction. I
fully expect to experience withdrawal when I can no longer go online every morning to consume daily tracking polls
along with my morning coffee.
What will I do without the instant blow-by-blow election analysis on the political blogs? What will I do without Keith
Olbermann’s nightly Campaign Comment on MSNBC’s Countdown?
And what will I do without the running battle with my anonymous lawn sign saboteur? When I no longer need to
replace stolen or vandalized lawn signs on a regular basis, will I just go back to simply maintaining the lawn?
Can I even remember what life was like before this presidential election so that I can go back to that? I have
peered into THE VOID and the view is daunting.
It appears I’m in for a period of adjustment.