Ray St. Louis
1/16/03
BETWEEN THE LINES
Buoyed by the initial success of Joe Millionaire, the latest offering in the reality television genre
wherein a bevy of young beauties humiliate themselves scratching and clawing for the favor of a
pseudo millionaire, the networks are tossing around a number of possible clones based on a similar
concept.
Instead of the fake-rich-guy-who’s-actually-just-a-construction-worker angle, the proposed offshoots
apply the concept to various other walks of life. The following is a partial list of the leading
contenders.
“Joe Brain Surgeon”
He walks like a medical practitioner; he talks like a medical practitioner. And - with that pumped-up
body and those dark, curly locks – boy, does he look good in scrubs and latex gloves. In reality he’s
a part-time body builder and a full-time toxic site clean-up employee for the Environmental
Protection Agency. Imagine the surprise on the part of unsuspecting brain tumor patients when they
learn the truth about the handsome, sexy hunk who conducted their live on-the-air surgery.
Although Joe Brain Surgeon might be a little iffy on his operating skills, he makes up for it with the
high levels of cancer-fighting radiation his body emits because of too many years on his real job.
“Joe Proctologist”
Sticking with the medical theme, this offering promises to be a barrel of laughs when the once-again
unsuspecting patients realize where those fingers have been. That’s because Joe Proctologist in
real life is a pump truck operator for a major portable toilet company. If this one takes off, watch for
its sequel, “Joe Gynecologist.”
“Joe Cop”
Just about everyone at some time or another has wanted to experience the thrill of placing one of
their fellow human beings under arrest. Not to mention writing speeding tickets, participating in high-
speed chases, conducting interrogations and beating confessions out of low-life scumbags. Joe cop
gets to act out every TV cop show junkie’s fantasy, whether it be roughing up a few drug dealers like
Detective Andy Sipowicz in NYPD Blue, or depriving a few perps of their constructional rights like
Detective Lennie Briscoe in Law and Order. The fun really starts when the show’s moderator reveals
to several irate holding tank detainees that the man who arrested all of them is no cop at all, but
rather, a mild mannered low-level clerk for the accounting firm of Arthur Andersen. The series peaks
when Joe Cop arrests all his real life bosses.
“Joe Priest”
What could be more embarrassing than being told that the man you’ve been confessing your sins to
is actually a pizza delivery driver for Dominos. Possible spin-offs include “Joe Archbishop” and “Joe
Pope.”
“Joe Jet Pilot”
The joke is on the passengers when the man flying this commercial jetliner announces over the
plane’s public address system that he’s never flown a plane before in his life. That’s because his
real job is forklift operator in a household appliance warehouse. Accustomed to the simple joystick
controls of his forklift, Joe Jet Pilot takes the plane through some hilarious maneuvers as he tries to
figure out what all those switches and buttons in the cockpit are for.
“Joe Oil Sheik”
Similar to the Joe Millionaire show but with a Middle Eastern twist. Instead of choosing a wife from a
bevy of hopeful beauties, Joe Oil Sheik buys several.
“Joe Symphony Conductor”
The real conductor of the New York Philharmonic Orchestra is secretly replaced in mid-concert by
an itinerant mime/juggler who quickly realizes that anyone who can keep a beat and wave a stick
with a little theatrical flair can do this job.
“Joe President”
A whole slew of nondescript Democratic nobodies vie for the office of President of the United States
which is temporarily occupied by a Texas rancher who use to be a hard-partying frat boy from an Ivy
League college. Watch Joe President sign bills, cut taxes, wage wars and appoint Supreme Court
justices all while exclaiming, “Whooeee! Ah can’t believe Ah’m president!”
“Joe Network TV Producer”
A regular guy is thrown into the glitzy world of television production where he learns that the secret
to success is to continually put on the air the most tasteless, offensive crap he can come up with.