Ray St. Louis
1/10/04
BETWEEN THE LINES
The recent discovery of mad cow disease in at least one American cow - a cow that, thanks to an
exhaustive and lengthy investigation by our finest intelligence agencies, we now know to be of
Canadian origin – raises serious questions.
Chief among these questions is one that I believe to be on the minds of many Americans. A question
that, up to this point, has remained unspoken. A question that, in spite of its shocking connotations,
needs to be asked: could this be an act of Canadian terrorism directed toward the United States?
Sure, it would be easy to write off this mad cow infestation as just another instance of lax government
oversight from an administration so beholding to powerful corporate interests that it puts profits ahead
of public safety. But believing such would be doing exactly what the terrorists want us to do: that is,
blame one another and fight amongst ourselves.
The truth is that the time may have arrived for taking a more critical look at our seemingly docile
neighbor to the north.
Let's look at the facts. This diseased cow, although part of a Washington State herd, was most likely
infected through contaminated feed while still a calf – IN CANADA. Also, the main countries among our
former allies that refused to send troops to assist the U.S. in the Iraq war were France, Germany,
Russia – AND CANADA. Coincidently, the main countries that our government has banned from
participating in billions of dollars worth of Iraq reconstruction contracts are France, Germany, Russia –
AND CANADA.
I realize the idea that peace-loving non-threatening Canada could actually be an enemy of the United
States may be a difficult one to wrap one’s brain around. On the other hand, who would have ever
thought France - the home of fine wines, chocolate mousse, and spinach soufflés - would turn out to
be an enemy? Is it mere coincidence that a sizable percentage of Canadians speak French as their
primary language? I think not.
Evidently, we Americans have a lot more enemies out there in the world than we thought; and our
government is finding more every day. Fortunately, we still have strong and powerful allies like the
British, and…well…I guess that’s about it.
Which makes the Canadian situation somewhat puzzling since Canada is part of Great Britain, sort of.
All I can think is that The Canadians have had enough of the British Commonwealth and are finally
ready to dump the Queen and stand on their own, and they’re beginning their rebellion by attacking
America as the more-accessible ally of their former overlords.
What better way to carry out that attack than sabotaging our supply of beef? This action threatens to
cause more damage to the American economy that any event since 9/11. And then there’s the
symbolic value: attacking beef is like attacking Texas, the home state of President George W. Bush.
Fellow Americans, it is time for us to strike back at these Canadians just as we did with the traitorous
French. First of all, I suggest we discontinue use of the phrase “Canadian bacon.” Instead, I propose
we substitute one of the following: 1) Civilization bacon, 2) Coalition bacon, 3) Conquest bacon.
I’m leaning toward “Coalition bacon” since “civilization” is a bit obscure and “conquest” a bit heavy
handed. Of course, we’ll also have to start referring to “Coalition Dry” ginger ale and “Coalition Club”
whiskey. There might be some trademark problems here, but who’s worrying about intellectual
property when freedom is at stake.
Next, we’ll have to seriously tighten our northern border to prevent infiltration. Even now as we speak,
Canadian terrorists could be sneaking on snowshoes across vast stretches of unprotected Minnesota,
North Dakota or Montana border carrying gunnysacks of contaminated cow feed.
Finally, we should probably just dissolve the National Hockey League since it is thoroughly and
incurably riddled with Canadians.
Cut Canada off, I say. Nip this threat in the bud. What have we got to lose except the better half of
Niagara Falls?
As far as that goes, we could easily take all of Niagara with a preemptive military strike.