Ray St. Louis
4/17/08
BETWEEN THE LINES
“Good evening and welcome to Decision 1800, a debate between Democratic-Republican Party rivals, Aaron
Burr and Thomas Jefferson, currently locked in a tight race for their party’s nomination and the right to face
Federalist Party candidate, President John Adams, in this fall’s general election. I’m Charles Gasbag.”
“And I’m George Steppininapile. Mister Burr, the first question is for you. Recently, remarks attributed to your
opponent, Mister Jefferson, have surfaced, remarks to which you have taken great offense. Here’s the quote:
‘A little rebellion now and then is a good thing…God forbid we should ever be twenty years without such a
rebellion. The people cannot be all, and always, well informed. The part which is wrong will be discontented, in
proportion to the importance of the facts they misconceive.’
“Tell us what you find offensive in Mister Jefferson’s remarks.”
“Well, besides the fact that my opponent advocates open rebellion against our government, I believe Mister
Jefferson displays a terribly condescending attitude toward his fellow countrymen. He says they are ill informed.
And what’s worse, he claims they are – and I quote – ‘discontented.’”
“Mister Jefferson, your response?”
“Is this really worth discussing?”
“Evidently, or we wouldn’t have asked the question.”
“George, if I could add, I believe this shows that my opponent is seriously out of touch with the American people.
I have been all over this great country of ours, meeting ordinary Americans – farmers and…well, mostly farmers
– but I haven’t met anyone I would call ‘discontented.’ The people I meet are hard working and optimistic.
“And I tell you, these people are offended to be called ‘discontented.’ In fact, we’ve been passing out ‘I’m Not
Discontented’ carriage bumper stickers and people are snatching them up.”
“Mister Jefferson?”
“Ummm…but…some people are discontented.”
“Charles, you have the next question?”
“Yes, thank you George. Mister Jefferson, there are some who are saying these remarks reinforce the ‘elitist’
label that many in Congress and elsewhere have leveled towards you. Would you care to comment on that?”
“Not really.”
Mister Burr?”
“Yes, well, I was out shooting ducks with some of my ordinary guy friends the other day, after which we downed a
shot of whiskey and some beer, and we were talking about this very point. You know, Charles, Mister Jefferson
prefers wine to beer. French wine.”
“Mister Jefferson?”
“Is there a political point here?”
“Mister Burr?”
“The point is that my opponent is terribly effete and out of touch. You know, he’s got that whole French thing
going. Served as the French ambassador, lived on the Champs-Elysees.”
“Mister Jefferson?”
“Ah…can we talk about something that matters? The ecomomy maybe, or foreign policy? The current war
between England and France, perhaps? The Federalist Party’s repressive Alien and sedition Acts?”
“George, you have a question?”
“Thank you, Charles. Mister Jefferson, your opponent has called you simply a ‘slinger of pretty words.’ How do
you respond?”
“Are we talking about the Declaration of Independence?”
“Mister Burr?”
“Good words are not the same as good policy.”
“Mister Jefferson?”
“Speaking of policy, could we maybe address some aspect of that at some point?”
“Charles?”
“Thank you, George. Mister Burr, you have said that you believe Mister Jefferson to be un-electable in the
general election. Do you stand by that accusation, or do you now think he can win against Mister Adams?”
“Yes, yes, yes!”
“Mister Jefferson?”
“Which question is he saying yes to?”
“Mister Jefferson, why do you refuse to wear a flag lapel pin? Is it because you hate America?”
“What’s a flag lapel pin?”
“Well, I’m afraid we’ve about run out of time. Just enough left for closing statements. Mister Burr, you may go
first.”
“Thank you, Charles. My fellow Americans, it comes down to this: What kind of president do you really want? Do
you want a president who talks down to you and calls you ‘discontented;’ who advocates open rebellion against
our government; who hangs out with French people and drinks French wine; who refuses to wear a flag pin; who
is, in summary, an elitist.
“Or do you want a president who, like you, shoots guns and drinks beers. It’s that simple.”
“Mister Jefferson?”
“This so-called debate has been the most trivial, abominable piece of...”
Thank you, sir. George, a final word?”
“Thank you, Charles. Can Mister Jefferson recover from what has come to be called ‘Discontented-gate?’ Is he
in fact, unelectable? Join us next week when we’ll be asking more hard-hitting questions like these in another
edition of Decision 1800. I’m George Steppininapile.”
And I’m Charles Gasbag. Goodnight.